another day

tomorrow is the 2 year mark of learning of the person, Jerry who received Lisa’s heart

so much has happened since then

serendipity to get a call from a friend who has also lost their spouse – only other one that I know – really straight or gay

he helped to lift me up to know it took him nearly 8 years to come to some terms with it – it helped me know it’s ok for me to

get there when I can, thank you sir

my big girl who actually is shorter than I (don’t tell her) comes home tomorrow – having a wonderful time with her godparents and cousins

falling back into old habits of not getting the laundry done quick enough – kids have plenty of clean clothes but still

anxiety over Katie starting a new school, a new soccer team, David starting tackle football and Danielle continuing her driving lessons

I always wonder how the kids would be today if Lisa hadn’t died, how has it changed their soul – I am only beginning to learn personally for me

but what about them?  Am I sufficient enough for them – I have know way to know or tell.  I get flack over david having gained wt since Lisa’s death but he

has also grown over 8 inches and has always been in the 100% percentile even when Lisa was alive – is it me?

working on my insomnia.. trying without Ambien each night.. using a relaxation tape and self hypnosis again – first 2 weeks had to listen to the CD 2x

now I fall asleep within 15 minutes.. that is an improvement I think, small steps I will take

go for a fitting of my hearing aide next week – you know I can get it with bluetooth capability.. now isn’t that amazing?  I don’t have to wear something in

both ears – my techno geek friend Carlos was most impressed

have the quads to sell soon – Katie and David would like dirt bikes but I just don’t think we should – so will get them working for one last hurray ride and then

sell them before the season is over… my back just won’t allow it any more – especially the jumps – it was a wonderful year the first one, it allowed us all to

forget our grief even for a moment

Katie is heading to the bay area to see my sis and her wife and my brother and partner (yeah 3 of the 5 of us are gay) to see Marilyn’s play she is directing then

the SF tour of Wicked – with Patty Duke (Anna), she’s counting the days

so are days are filled with day long sports camps, too much heat 90 degrees slows me down and hurts my MS too much, hoping I would miss it while in

Alaska – no luck

I am amazed each day at the resilience of our kids, I still worry – wouldn’t any mom if the other parent died so suddenly?  It is there in my mind every day

I still hate Lisa’s chores – cooking and laundry.  Mine were the cars, the garage, and organizing things.. those are done.. but still hate hers.. will I ever

like them?

consume my day with TV – and admitted to a close friend and I only have a few – that for ever hour I watch – I realize I have survived another hour without Lisa

it’s been 2.5 years (plus a few days).  I hope I can change, become resilient like kids – but even Obama had hope and look him – we all get beaten down in

some way – I know we all have our own burdens.. mine is no bigger than yours, just different

I am hoping I can get Michael to move to the Tacoma ITS program in the next year or so instead of seattle, he wants to visit his siblings at their games and all

and I would like that also – so I’ll put it out there at his planning meeting.  I can only hope right?

peace

One thought on “another day

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